Sex is good

A discussion of sex-related issues from a sex-positive slant.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

If you're planning to get married, DON'T "save" yourself

Currently in the US the trend is for "abstinence only" sex education; i.e. telling teens that they should not have sex until they get married (and not discussing contraception, homosexuality, abortion, etc.).

To me this seems a sure-fire way to increase the rates of divorce and adultery.

What happens to the people who wait until their wedding night, only to discover that their new spouse is sexually incompatible? Just because you are in love doesn't mean that you and your spouse will share the same sexual tastes and desire sex equally often.

In response to my first post, I heard from James (not to be confused with my boyfriend James), who has started a blog for SWAGE—Spouses Who Aren't Getting Enough, for people in the difficult situation of loving spouses who have significantly lower sex drives.

Of course, even if you do have premarital sex, there is no guarantee that you will always be sexually compatible with your spouse. People's needs and desires change over time, sometimes due to factors beyond our control (illness, injury, aging). But I do believe that premarital sex increases the likelihood of a satisfying sex life during the marriage.

As it happens, many teens in abstinence only programs have sex anyway, BUT they are less likely to use contraception. So even if I did agree with the abstinence only idea, the evidence is that the current programs at least are utter failures. Teens deserve factual information about sex, including information about preventing pregnancy and STD transmission if they do choose to become sexually active.

Because of all the problems with abstinence-only programs, I've created two CafePress shops on the subject: Sex is great! Try it today! and Sex can't wait. Your wedding night is too late!.

In researching this article, I also came across a couple of humorous parodies:



  • At 1:56 p.m., Blogger James said…


    You're right... sex is so important to being married, how is it that people are expected to go into marriage with their sexual compatibility untested.

    But also, I have heard from so many people who say that sex drive changed (went away) in their partners as soon as they were married. Seems as if sex was kind of a bait to get draw the sexual partner into the marriage.

    So, anyway, my advice is be sure your potential mate is predisposed to enjoying your erotic expectations with you and vice versa.


  • At 2:17 p.m., Blogger Radical Ro said…

    You're right, James, sex before marriage won't help if one or both people is being dishonest, faking an interest that isn't there to get a commitment.

    Another thing that can happen after marriage, unfortunately, is that one spouse can decide to invest less effort in his partner's pleasure once he's married, since he no longer feels a need to woo her. The long love-making sessions of courtship can be replaced by perfunctory wham-bam-thank you, ma'am sex.

    Of course the problem of dishonesty during courtship is not limited to sex, since the same thing can happen around other important issues like parenting, money management, division of labour in the home, etc.

    I have been married twice, and in my experience I was treated better as a girlfriend than as a wife. To me it should be the opposite, but there you go. It certainly makes me think long and hard about whether I should marry again, or just enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend as it is.

  • At 4:43 p.m., Blogger James said…


    Here's another thing that I've uncovered in from talking to many SWAGE sufferers: a person's ideas about sex can change overnight as changes in their life occur. For example, some men can no longer regard their wifes as sexual being once they become mothers (even being pregnant can quelch a partners erotic thoughts). Some partners can lose their sexual desires as soon as they become wedded spouses to their partners. Sometimes, hidden tramas from the past which have been kept burried, can bubble up to the surface once the vowes of marriage seals the deal.

    But the real kicker seems to be that everyone thinks they don't have any obligation what-so-ever to continue to be the sex partner their spouse thought they would be throughout the marriage.

    And don't get me started on how marriage seems to let the "real" person out. When you find out just how giving, caring, thoughful, devoted, lustful your spouse really is towards you.


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