Sex is good

What men should do

2006-06-02T19:39:00.000-04:00

Now that we are deep into spring,it makes me think of spring turning young men's fancies to thoughts of love. I've lived long enough to have an idea of what men should do in the world of love.In other words, here is a list of the partners I think a man should be with in his lifetime: - an older person - a younger person - a person outside of his own ethnic group - a bigger/fatter person - a smaller/thinner person - a prostitute - another man (or if you're gay, a woman) Now I,personally, have experienced all but the last one.Variety really is the spice of life.Please note that these only apply to SINGLE men. If you lucky enough to have a loving partner,loyalty is key. Monogamy can be truly sexy,and I have been able to prove that for almost three years now!

The Dildo Song!

2006-05-21T15:46:00.000-04:00

Apparently this has been around for years, but I just discovered it: The Dildo Song!

What kind of girlfriend are you?

2006-03-26T10:48:00.000-05:00

This little quiz is not very sex-related, but I'm feeling guilty about not posting to this blog lately. The questions assume you are in a relationship with a man, but could work for lesbian relationships as well, I think.

You're a Steady Supporter

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
Brought to you by Tickle

Background music

2006-02-28T20:09:00.000-05:00

Music can be a mood builder.It can intensify the situation,distract you from the task at hand,or provide a rhythm track to set the pace. What gets you pumped up?Do you want to rock and roll all night with metal?get sweaty with dance music?Or go at it nice and easy with smooth jazz? I love rock and roll,and I have nothing against it in an intimate moment. But nothing sets the mood quite like the great gentlemen of song.Frank Sinatra,the Capitol years.Al Green in his early 70's prime.Tony Bennett.Rod Stewart's Great American Songbook cd's.Johnny Mathis' Greatest Hits. Try 'em out, and let me know what you think.

Shameless

2006-02-26T13:26:00.000-05:00

Evidently, I have no shame. I entered a contest at this radio station. Please vote for my ass.I really could use the $10,000 contest money!

Get ready for Porn Appreciation Month

2006-01-22T13:25:00.000-05:00

Porn Appreciation month is in May, but it's never too early to start getting ready, especially since today is James's birthday!

I've declared May "Porn Appreciation Month" as a response to "Victims of Pornography" Month, a project of Citizens for Community Values. CCV's mission is to promote their version of Judeo-Christian values by trying to stop anyone from expressing contradictory ideas, particularly as related to sex. (I'm reminded here of James' post on the problem with Christianity...) Their focus is on pornography, which they claim causes sex crimes, and homosexuality.

Claiming that your average porn showing consenting adults enjoying themselves will turn people into rapists and child molesters defies common sense. It also contradicts the facts—countries which have less censorship of porn, even violent porn, also have less sex crime (see the studies cited below). Also, removing porn isn't magically going to change rapists and child molesters into kind, considerate people.

Porn does not cause crime. What it does cause, for millions of normal adults, is sexual arousal, pleasure, and release. We should be celebrating porn, not banning it. So buy your Porn Appreciation Month button, T-shirt, or bumpersticker today!

References

Pornography, sex crime, and public policy (PDF). Interesting quotes: "[...]sex offenders generally reported sexaully repressive family backgrounds, immature and inadequate sexual histories and rigid, conservative attitudes towards sexuality. During adolescence they had less experience with erotica than other groups. As adults, sex offenders seemed to catch up with other categories, but did not use pornography more frequently than others; and sex offenders did not differ significantly from other adults in their reported arousal or reported likelihood of engaging in sexual behaviour during or following exposure to pornography." (page 44) "The aggregate data on rape and other violent or sexual offences from four countries were pornography, including aggressive varieties, has become widely and easily available during ht eperiod we have dealt with would seem to exclude, beyond any reasonable doubt, that this availability has had any detrimental effects in the form of increased sexual violence." (page 53)

The effects of pornography: An international perspective. Interesting quotes: "...if anything, there is an inverse causal relationshop between an increase in pornography and sex crimes." "There is, however, no evidence that pornography is in anyway causal or even related to such terrible and regrettable crimes [domestic violence and child abuse]"

Why are women less likely to have sex with strangers?

2006-01-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

The Guardian recently ran an article on a study published in 1989 entitled "Gender Differences in Receptivity to Sexual Offers". For the study, women and men approached strangers of the other sex on a college campus and said, "I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be very attractive." Then they invited the strangers to have sex.

The researchers found, "The great majority of men were willing to have a sexual liaison with the women who approached them. Not one woman agreed to a sexual liaison." (Note: I haven't been able to find the original article online, so I'm assuming the Guardian's version is accurate.)

People have proposed evolutionary reasons for this: supposedly it is to a woman's advantage to stick with one mate, and to a man's advantage to spread his sperm as widely as possible. But this argument has a big flaw—in terms of spreading genes, the woman takes a big risk by having only one sexual partner, who may be infertile, rather than having many partners and improving her odds of fertilizing her egg. (The impression I've got from some men making this argument is that they really are trying to justify cheating on their wives when they would be furious if the wives cheated on them.)

I have my own theories: women are less likely to have sex with strangers because (a) we are taking bigger risks and (b) in our culture, sex often isn't as good for women as it can be. (Please note that I am, like the study, only talking about heterosexual sex here.)

Women take bigger risks having sex with men than men take having sex with women.

Women get pregnant. Men don't. No form of contraception is 100% effective, even tubal ligation, according to Contraception Online, produced by the Baylor College of Medicine. (Before researching this article, I had thought that tubal ligation was 100% effective. Eek.)
When it comes to STDs, women are slightly more likely to be infected by men than men are to be infected by women. For example, this study found that among heterosexuals who never use condoms, the risk of HIV infection was 6.8 per 100 person-years for women, and 5.9 per 100 person-years for men.
Although this is changing, there is still more stigma for women having sex with strangers than for men having sex with strangers.

In our culture, sex often isn't as good for women as it could be

Biologically, women are capable of enjoying sex more than men. We are more likely to be able to have multiple orgasms, with no refractory period in between. Theoretically, you would expect women to be more eager to have sex than men.

Unfortunately, in our culture, "sex" is often equated with penis-in-vagina intercourse, to the extreme that Bill Clinton could accept a blowjob and claim he "didn't have sex with that woman."

While sexual intercourse can feel great, for the majority of women, sexual intercourse is not going to lead to orgasm. Masturbation and cunnilingus are more likely to do the trick. There are still some people who buy into Freud's idea that prefering clitoral stimulation to vaginal is a sign of some kind of psychological problem, but there are sound anatomical reasons this is so.

The clitoris and the glans of the penis develop from the same tissue in the embryo. (Here's a nifty animation; click on "Genitals" in the left sidebar.) Expecting a woman to come without clitoral stimulation is like expecting a man to come without penile stimulation. Sure, it can happen, but it's not so likely.

There is more awareness of the importance of the clitoris these days, but still clitoral stimulation is often relegated to perfunctory "foreplay" (I hate that word), an optional preparation for intercourse. The booming business in penis enlargement scams, which supposedly enhance female pleasure (NOT), shows just how many men are clueless about what women really want in bed.

In a nutshell...

As long as sex is equated with vaginal intercourse, women will be understandably less enthusiastic about sex than men. Why should we risk pregnancy and probably not even get an orgasm out of it?

Recommended reading: Let me count the ways: How to have great sex without intercourse by Marty Klein, Ph.D and Riki Robbins, Ph.D.

Update: January 15, 2006

Guys, if you want to improve your odds, wear this cool T-shirt (designed by me). Text reads: "Pussy: It's what's for dinner." Also available on women's tees, buttons, and more—great way to screen prospective lovers, or find a new girlfriend!

Gorgeous erotic art by Tony Wakeford

2006-01-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

I recently discovered Tony Wakeford's CafePress store, Gunman's Pin-Up and Erotic Airbrush Art.

Wakeford is obviously a talented artist (I wish I could paint like that) —visit his shop for a selection of beautiful posters, prints, cards, etc. featuring very sexy women.

I don't see why some people think that if something turns people on, it isn't art. Sexphobia is a very sad thing.

My problem with Christianity

2005-12-31T18:36:00.000-05:00

I hope that you, the reader, have paid attention to Ro's previous post.

Folks ,this shows what my problem with the Christian religion is. If they were content with living life in the way that they want, for themselves, then, no problem. If you don't want intimacy prior to marriage, for whatever reason. fine with me.

But they're not happy with that.They live life the way they think YOU should too, and if they get any influence or power, Christians have absolutely no qualms about making you live by their rules.

I can honestly say that I've gotten SOMETHING good out of all of my premarital sexual experiences, even the ones that I had to pay for!

I want to know, prior to marriage, what my partner wants and needs,how to deliver the goods,and how to make her happy.

Besides, do you really want to spend life everlasting with a bunch of repressed tight-asses?

Why do prudes have to lie?

2005-12-31T18:12:00.000-05:00

If people decide that for religious reasons they don't want to have sex before marriage, or don't want to use contraceptives, or whatever, I don't have a problem with that (although I don't think it is wise: see my views on sex before marriage).

But why do they have to make up fake pseudo-scientific reasons to back up their religious beliefs?

I tore apart the blatant misinformation in "One More Soul"'s Christian Sexuality slideshow here.

Today, I decided to read up more on a new more extreme form of prudery which I just recently learned of: no kissing before marriage.

"Paul and Lori", in How Far Before Marriage?, don't get specific about kissing, but they do say that there should be no "touching" before marriage. They allege:

Talk to 100 women who "messed around" before marriage a year after the wedding and at least 95% will say they wish they had not done it.

Do they give a source for this "statistic"? Of course not, because it is made up! How often do 95% of the population agree on anything?

Paul and Lori express concern that if we have sex with other people before marriage, we will be disappointed that our spouse doesn't do that special thing we liked or look as good as our ex. But (duh), if you have sex before marriage, you can find out if your spouse is sexually compatible and not marry them if they don't do that special thing we really like.

For myself, I have found that sex, and my ability to communicate what I like, has improved with more experience. I am grateful to all my partners, past and present, for their contributions to my sex life.

Welcome, James!

2005-12-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

Well, now I've lost my pseudo-anonymity by inviting my boyfriend, James to contribute to this blog. You may have seen his first post on Christmas eve (thanks, sweetie).

Misinformation about contraception

2005-12-29T20:51:00.000-05:00

Misinformation about contraception, such as that in this Christian Sexuality Slideshow at One More Soul, causes a great deal of unhappiness, so I'll take it on here. (Note this slideshow is in PowerPoint so if you don't have PowerPoint, you can't see it.)

Contraception leads to abortion—they don't really explain this one. Obviously, contraception is one way of preventing abortion. Duh.
The Pill is an abortifacent—the Pill, taken correctly, almost always prevents ovulation, so there is nothing to "abort". However, if someone does get pregnant while on the pill, it is very unlikely that taking the pill will harm the zygote/embryo. (source: Sexuality and U .ca, a site by the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada.
Contraception leads to unwanted pregnancy and single parenthood—huh?
Contraception contributes to divorce—how? Surely unwanted children are a stress on marriage (heck, even wanted children can stress a marriage)
Contraception contributes to "social chaos"—what is that supposed to mean?
Contraception is "a violation of the good of a woman's physical and psychological health". What? Unwanted pregnancy is a violation of women's psychological health, and any pregnancy carries with it health risks including possible death.
Contraception is "an impediment to the total self-giving of a spouse's love". I'd say worrying about pregnancy is more an impediment.
"Babies are Bonding"—surely that depends on whether the couple wanted a(nother) baby! Even a wanted baby can be a stress on a marriage. If babies really were bonding, the only single parents would be widows and widowers.

Strangely, One More Soul advocates "natural" family planning (which I'd say is the "least" natural method available—under natural conditions, animals have sex during their fertile period. I'm hard pressed to see how "N"FP is superior to other forms of contraception—surely it also is "an impediment to the total self-giving of a spouse's love" etc. etc. (The slideshow does have a slide entitled "NFP vs. Contraception" with a set of incomprehensible (to me) cartoons; if someone can figure it out, please post a comment.)

I'm guessing the reason "N"FP is okay is that it has the "benefit" of "requir[ing] mutual sacrifice". I guess a church run by people who aren't allowed to have sex can't bear the thought of the rest of us enjoying ourselves.

It really is good

2005-12-24T00:46:00.000-05:00

Ro is right.Sex really is good, but it depends on who your partner is, and your connection with them. You have to want to please that person;in fact, their pleasure should mean more to you than your own. You should always be willing to learn what pleases your partner, and do that.Do it long. Do it often. Do it with a smile. And always be open to suggestions. Porn and toys are good things. Guys, don't be threatened by using sex toys. They're just one way to make your partner feel good! Me, I've always loved going down on a woman. It's so sexy and intimate. This is one thing that men should learn to do and love. Men could learn a lot from lesbians. After all, they don't have penises, but they have no problems with satisfying their girlfriends! Ro and I made love last night. It was real good. Matter of fact, I look forward to doing it again.We've been together for over two years now ( a record for me! ),and it's good every time!

Swingers' clubs are legal in Canada, Supreme Court rules

2005-12-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

Canada's top court today ruled that swingers' clubs are perfectly legal in Canada.

Before the ruling, the status of swingers' clubs was unclear. In two similar cases involving swingers' clubs in Montréal, one owner was found guilty of operating a "bawdy house" while another was found not guilty.

Chief Justice Beverly McLaughlin wrote, "Consensual conduct behind code-locked doors can hardly be supposed to jeopardize a society as vigorous and tolerant as Canadian society."

The decision clarifies that to be considered "indecent", acts must be shown to be harmful, not just against "community standards".

The usual people are objecting strenuously to this ruling of course. So if you're in Canada, take a minute to email your Member of Parliament and express your support of this ruling.

Update, December 22

I've added a new CafePress store in celebration of the Supreme Court's decision.

The decision is important not only for swingers, but for all consenting adults in Canada who don't want the government intruding in our sex lives.

Next step—decriminalizing prostitution among consenting adults. (Currently protitution is legal in Canada, but with annoying restrictions).

If you're planning to get married, DON'T "save" yourself

2005-12-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

Currently in the US the trend is for "abstinence only" sex education; i.e. telling teens that they should not have sex until they get married (and not discussing contraception, homosexuality, abortion, etc.).

To me this seems a sure-fire way to increase the rates of divorce and adultery.

What happens to the people who wait until their wedding night, only to discover that their new spouse is sexually incompatible? Just because you are in love doesn't mean that you and your spouse will share the same sexual tastes and desire sex equally often.

In response to my first post, I heard from James (not to be confused with my boyfriend James), who has started a blog for SWAGE—Spouses Who Aren't Getting Enough, for people in the difficult situation of loving spouses who have significantly lower sex drives.

Of course, even if you do have premarital sex, there is no guarantee that you will always be sexually compatible with your spouse. People's needs and desires change over time, sometimes due to factors beyond our control (illness, injury, aging). But I do believe that premarital sex increases the likelihood of a satisfying sex life during the marriage.

As it happens, many teens in abstinence only programs have sex anyway, BUT they are less likely to use contraception. So even if I did agree with the abstinence only idea, the evidence is that the current programs at least are utter failures. Teens deserve factual information about sex, including information about preventing pregnancy and STD transmission if they do choose to become sexually active.

Because of all the problems with abstinence-only programs, I've created two CafePress shops on the subject: Sex is great! Try it today! and Sex can't wait. Your wedding night is too late!.

In researching this article, I also came across a couple of humorous parodies:

Sex is for Fags: abstinence education for boys
Iron Hymen: for girls

Enjoy!

My first post

2005-12-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

In this blog, I'll be discussing sex-related issues from a sex-positive perspective, and also announcing my new products for sale at CafePress.

So far I have three designs, all available on certified non-sweatshop T-shirts from American Apparel, as well as bumper stickers, buttons, condom boxes, and more!

Update: December 29, 2005

At some point I'll write something about "Pornography Appreciation Month" as a response to "Victims of Pornography Month". Meanwhile, here's an excellent article by Marty Klein, Ph.D.: People who feel victimized by porn: Let's give them sympathy, not a Congressional hearing.